“You just sunk our friendship!”
My older sibling laid the harsh words on me early one Christmas Break. I was a little unclear about what I had done, but I knew it was bad, and this faux pas had created a big loss. We could no longer be friends. Ever again.
Crushed, I did the only thing my five-year-old self knew to do, the only thing that was in my control at the time.
I ran away from home.
I packed my Holly Hobbie suitcase with a handful of saltines, two pieces of leftover Halloween candy, and three carrots to balance it out. Then, grabbing my coat, I headed to the most desolate and private place in my known universe: the pasture next to the house.
As I walked deeper into the dry landscape, I noticed a structure in the distance and hatched an idea. I climbed the cold metal steps to the top of an oil storage tank that sat in the middle of the pasture. Pretending it was my own house, I unpacked my suitcase and set up my kitchen. I felt self-sufficient.
Aside from a few Angus steers, I was totally alone. Or so I thought. As I turned to glance back nostalgically at my not-so-distant childhood home, a truck barreled toward me in a whirlwind of dust.
I imagined it was Daddy, coming to rescue me or beg me to reconsider.
It wasn’t.
Instead, an oil field worker arrived, unwelcome, at my new residence. He scolded me, warned me of certain injury or possible death, and threatened to tell my parents. In deep fear and a tinge of humiliation, I packed up and headed home.
Even in the glow of the freshly decorated Christmas tree, I felt the scowl of the offended sibling across the table that evening. Grateful to be back with my family, out of danger (and out of trouble), I was still feeling the grief that took me there in the first place. I struggled with that mix of feelings the entire holiday. It was a difficult place to be.
GRIEF MIXED WITH GRATITUDE
Following that runaway incident, I lived in the tension between grief and gratitude. Many are in this tight space right now as we face a holiday season we could never have anticipated.
Many are in this tight space now between grief and gratitude as we face a holiday season we could never have anticipated.Click To TweetThe whole pre-Christmas world feels heavy.
At least mine does.
Grief for the loss of both parents within four months.
Grief for the loss of a year that seemed to evaporate from my certainly-shortened life.
Grief for graduations, gatherings, hugs that should have been.
But alongside my grief sits a corresponding helping of gratefulness:
Gratitude for extended family and understanding friends, for feeling alive at the end of Year 5 of a harsh diagnosis.
Gratitude for the existential push to start my writing endeavor.
Gratitude for a vaccine on its way.
I am perplexed to feel both emotions so strongly; it seems almost hypocritical. But I am also struck that the things I am most grateful for reflect what I am grieving deepest. Just like that attempted move to the pasture.
The things I am most grateful for reflect what I am grieving deepest.Click To Tweet
Francis Weller says it is possible and even beneficial to experience both grief and gratitude:
“The work of the mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and to be stretched large by them.”
Grief and gratitude are not an either/or proposition. We can be grateful and still be grieving. One was never meant to negate or supersede the other.
GRATITUDE NEEDS GRIEF
Grief and gratitude can coexist, and maybe they have to. Maybe we can never appreciate fullness without loss. Maybe they are actually partners in bringing the realization of God’s mercy into our hearts.
“Grief and gratitude are kindred souls, each pointing to the beauty of what is transient and given to us by grace.” – Patricia Campbell Carlson
It’s the human condition. Songs have been sung about it, poems have been penned about it, and hearts have been hurt by it: You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Health, Family, Grand Plans. As I get older, I am increasingly grateful for all those things that go missing because their absence reminds me of how blessed I am to have had them at all.
“It is the gift of grief, the price we have to pay for relationships and the deep love for those we have lost, that makes it possible to be grateful.” – Adam Rabinovitch
My journal entry from five years ago today while I was in ICU:
After the dust settled on the immediate life-saving measures, I learned that, by medical opinion, I likely will not live 5 years. Statistics say 50% of people with any type of heart failure die within 5 years. For those with a BNP at the drastic level of mine, only 50% survive 90 days after being released from their initial hospital stay. 90% of those die within a year. It’s as if I’m standing outside the window of my own life, and it’s not a pretty scene. My numbers are so bad and my chances look even worse.
Today, the future is not any clearer than it was 5 years ago. It’s not how I want it to be, but I’m thankful for what it is. And acknowledging that never discounts the grief for the way I wish things could be.
2020 was 20% of the life expectancy I’d been given. In that tumultuous year, I have doubled my subscribers, found a writing community, published a dozen articles, participated in several podcasts and webinars, finished a book proposal. Even better, I was given the perfect opportunity to talk deeply with my daddy as I sat at his hospice bed, and with my mother, my siblings, and my children, as we planned then processed funerals. Without the losses that were part of 2020, none of that would have happened.
FEELING SEEN IN OUR GRIEF
So much of our lives can be summarized by a statement Jesus made:
You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand. John 13:7
Jesus’s own mother must have felt this, too.
Young, unwed Mary expecting the Savior of the world was surely grieving the loss of her planned life and guarded reputation:
How can this be? Luke 1:34
For all of us managing our expectations, grief comes in the confusing, challenging, “not realizing” phase. And it can be a lonely place to be.
If we feel alone and unseen, grief can become polluted with self-focused guilt and regret. (I secretly wanted SOMEONE to notice I was missing from the house that half-hour I was in the pasture. Otherwise, what would be the point?)
But if we feel seen, grief can be felt and processed in light of a bigger picture. And gratitude can emerge from that dark place. Even when we’re living the story we didn’t want.
If we feel seen, grief can be felt and processed in light of a bigger picture. And gratitude can emerge from that dark place.Click To Tweet
Mary felt seen by her cousin Elizabeth and wrote a song of praise and thanksgiving, “The Magnificat,” just weeks after the shock of the angel’s baby announcement:
My soul glorifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. (Luke 1: 47)
Over the past five years, difficult as they’ve been, I have felt seen. By my family, my friends, my readers. But most importantly, by El Roi, the God Who Sees. And it has made all the difference in how my grief has held space for soul-soothing gratitude.
Author Kelly Buckley writes about grieving with gratitude:
“Gratitude does not change the pain of the loss. But it does alleviate some of the suffering.”
Indeed, with the help of community, it has.
Running away to the pasture, it was easy to get back. But so much of that was pretend, and most of what we’re now living is not. Still, that grief we are carrying into the Advent season, or trying to escape as we head into a new year, can be the truest springboard to gratitude.
The grief we are carrying into the Advent season, or trying to escape as we head into a new year, can be the truest springboard to gratitude.Click To Tweet
And it all starts by being seen in our grief.
Maybe first by a fellow sufferer online or a quarrelsome family member. Or even a stranger in an oil truck.
But ultimately, by our good and gratitude-worthy God.
Lori, I love hearing your insightful perspective. I’m thankful for you.
Katie, the fact that my words resonate with you is encouraging to me! Thank you for letting me know. Blessings!
Beautiful, Lori. So much depth, love, hope and peace.
Oh Becky, thank you so much for sprinkling your superpower of encouragement on me. Love to you and your family!
Lori, my heart was heavy sharing in your grief as I read. Your insight is so amazing and the fact that you show us gratitude in your grief is a great reminder to all of us that there are still things to be grateful for even if we feel our world is falling apart. You are in my prayers and thank you for sharing your amazing prayerful writings with us.
Loretta, thank you. It is comforting to know that others remember and miss Mom and Dad. It is a wonderful person who can share another’s grief. I appreciate hearing from you so much.
Lori, your words are deeply inspiring. I especially liked “gratitude does not change the pain of the loss, but it does alleviate some of the suffering”, how true these words are and apply to all of us at one time or another.
So great to hear from you, Sharon. And thank you for your sweet encouragement. I like that quote, too. The author who wrote it, Kelly Buckley, has an amazing blog about growth through gratitude. Hope you are staying well, and that your holidays are special!
Lori, This rings so true during this season for me, and likely always will. Thank you for expressing so eloquently my very thoughts and feelings! I hope you have a blessed December!
Oh friend, I thought of you while I was writing this. I know the holidays will always be hard for you, and I am so sorry that is part of your story. You are such a strong lady. Thank you for reaching out.
Lori,
I just read “Receiving the Baton” and “Grief and Gratitude” and tears are still streaming. I am there with you. What a gift you have in insight, understanding, moving forward, God’s love, etc– thankful that you have chosen to write and share your thoughts and insights with the rest of us. Love you!
Oh Judy, thank you for letting me know that my words resonated with you. It is the best encouragement when someone else relates. And when it hits home with someone like you, I know the Spirit is moving. Love to you and your family.
Lori,
I am awed and appreciative of your wisdom. I know this holiday season will be so hard for you and all those that have lost people this year. The ability to love is one of God’s greatest gifts, but you were right in saying that loss makes us value it even more. Thank you for your words.
Missy
I know you understand this well. It’s sort of an unexpected benefit of loss, I suppose, that our gratefulness is enhanced. And thank you for your kind words. Always great to hear from you!
I don’t think we can work through our grief without having gratitude for what we had then lost. Thank you for another insightful message.
I so agree. God knew what he was doing when he gave us that tendency to remember…it brings up all we had that we were too busy or blind to realize at the time. And encourages a spirit of appreciation to help heal our grief. So good to hear from you.
Lori, you have been given a beautiful God-given gift – thank you for sharing it with all of us! Through this Covid season, I, honestly have been feeling sorry for myself, not being able to do the things I used to do without restrictions. But when I think of all you’ve been through these past few months, with losing both parents, as well as your health issues – well, it puts things into perspective. I am truly grateful for all that God has given me. Thank you for helping me to see what is good and to focus on being thankful. You will be in my prayers as you go through this Christmas without your mom and dad. And, living with heart disease. You are so strong and such an inspiration! Blessings…
Debbie, I think we are all grieving something this holiday season. Honestly, too many losses to count. I’m continually thankful for His mercies and patience as we work through them and sometimes struggle with our faith as we do. Your support is such an encouragement. Blessings to you and your family!
Such a good message for me to hear, Lori. Thank you. And thank you for specifying that it was an older sibling who sunk your friendship!
Hahaha! It was actually me that sunk that friendship somehow, but the older sibling called me out on it. Thanks for reading and commenting. Love hearing from you!
Lori, it’s on my bucket list to read every post on your blog, every article you’ve written or book you will write. Your words seem to always be just what I need. I’m abundantly thankful for you and how you share so well and point everyone in your path to the Lord. I admire you and appreciate you more than you know. Thanks for this, and everything.
Robin, this brought a tear to my eye. Nothing encourages me more than having my words minister to one of my readers. And I have to tell you that you were on my mind as I wrote this post. Mostly because of your example of faith, trust, and resilience. It speaks volumes to many who are far beyond your young years. I have been blessed by you. Love you!
You made me smile when you said you added the carrots to your knapsack for balance lol. I totally hear your heart in this post and feel the same way you do about grief and gratitude this Christmas. It has been a tough year for us all. I am believing God will bring good out of what tried to harm us. Blessings sweet sister …
That is a comforting thought…God can take what was meant for evil and use it for good. He specializes in that! I imagine He is holding us all very close this difficult year. Blessings to you for a bright 2021.
Thank you for sharing this. Reconciling grief with any goodness is something only God can do!
That’s for sure, Jess! Sometimes it seems it’s all up to us, but our job was never to reconcile these things. Thank you for reading and sharing.
Thank you for writing such a beautiful post. I am grateful that you have been able to have gratitude in the midst of grief and are being seen by a family and community that loves you. Also I am grateful that you are still here working diligently with your gifts and talents for God’s glory.
Tona, your words were soothing to me today. I never want to forget that I am always seen and always loved even when I feel invisible and unloveable. We are blessed by a good God!
Thank you for sharing this message. I appreciate hearing your wisdom with grief and gratitude
Thank you, Sacha! It’s great to hear from you. Have a blessed holiday season.
Wonderful words of comfort during this very uncomfortable season of COVID-19. The best news is God is with us every step of the way and understands our gratitude turned grief turned back to gratitude. He loves us the same at each turn. Thanks
I love that thought of the circular nature of grief and gratitude. I definitely feel it these days. And I’m continually thankful for His unstoppable love and grace. Thank you for sharing!
This post is so inspiring and teachable.
Thanks for this perspective you shared on grief and gratitude.
More grace.
I appreciate your comment as we plow into the coming weeks. For many of us, we will balance what seem to be conflicting emotions. Much grace will be needed. Great to hear from you, Kristie!
I never thought about how grief and gratitude are connected. This makes a lot of sense. Thinking about the times when I was the most grateful usually follows something that made me recognize what I do have which often comes from a loss.
It is always so encouraging to hear from others who can relate to my thoughts. I suppose this is evidence that the Holy Spirit is at work. Have a wonderful Christmas!
Thank you Lori Ann for sharing your thoughts at this time. I was touched by your willingness to be vulnerable and the exquisite way you put all our lives into context _ a truly beautiful and thoughtful post.
Thank you, Helen. I am learning that vulnerability and faith go hand in hand. Who knew? I appreciate your kind words and support. Blessings to you and your family.
A beautifully written post. I also have learned that grief and gratitude can coexist and both emotions are meant to be experienced as we grow through them. Thank you for such an honest look into your life.
Great to hear from you, Heather. Shared grief and gratitude somehow are both a better experience, so your affirmation encourages me and others as well. Have a blessed Christmas!
Thank you for this post. You had me hooked at the statement “tension between grief and gratitude”. I so feel this tension this past year. So thankful you’re beating the odds with your health condition and are using your writing gifts to encourage so many.
I think there are many of us feeling the tension, especially this year. It has opened my eyes to how difficult the season can be for many different reasons. I hope yours is a memorable one, even if it has to be unique. Merry Christmas!
Wow. This came at the right time. You write beautifully. I was drawn into every word and I will ponder the marriage of grief and gratitude all day now. There is a lovely flow to your words and I felt wrapped up in them.
And your kind words were timed perfectly for me, Chavon. As the holidays approach, I know many of us are grasping for hope and peace with where are lives are taking us. Your comments certainly brought both to me. Blessings!
I’m thankful for you and your experiences that have made you able to write so eloquently.
2020 has been a year of mixed emotions for us all.
Thank you for your encouraging words, Betty. I am praying for a better 2021 for us all. Have a blessed Christmas!
This is a good thought-provoking post on balancing grief with gratitude. I’m so sorry for your loss. I have known too much loss but this past year with all that has been stolen from us due to the pandemic, we have seen such blessing! My son is 19 and missed out on his graduation but due to college places been awarded differently due to all the restrictions, Cillianc got into a course in journalism that would normally be unattainable for him. He is loving it! I will be praying for your heart to be made whole in Jesus’ mighty name. Amen.
Karen, that is wonderful news. Thank you for sharing this. It gives us all hope that God is using this season for good. I appreciate your encouraging words, and especially your prayers. Have a blessed holiday!
So beautiful and wise. Our gratitude and grief can and must overlap. Thank you for a beautiful reflection and the sharing of what you face. So helpful to hear your response and the perspective God has given you.
Thank you for this, Pam. Often, I don’t know how my thoughts are received and processed by others. I am still learning and processing, and it is a blessing to have readers walking alongside.
It’s apparent that God has given you some amazing and deeply meaningful insight over the past five years. You are a walking miracle, and I praise God for you!
Summer, your support has been a gift to me today. Thank you for reading and commenting. Blessings to you and your family this Christmas.
Lori,
I sat down tonight to read your blog and I feel that God put me right here at this very moment. You have a gift of sharing your circumstances and directing every single thing back to our God. Grief and gratitude…I’d never really thought about their co-existence…but you are exactly right. Today, my grandmother passed away and I was there with my family as the coroner took her from her home. I am grieving her loss, but I am so grateful for 88 years with her. She was one of the most Godly women I’ve ever had in my life and I thank God for taking her home. This year has seemed to be full of heartache for so many. However, amidst the uncertainty and loss that this year has brought, I still find myself so very thankful and grateful for God’s many blessings.
Oh Kia, I am so sorry to hear this. No matter the age, no matter if we see it coming, the separation of death is hard and painful. I am sorry about the timing, too. Having had two funerals during this pandemic, I understand how this feels to you now. Your ability to lean into gratitude even today speaks so much about your faith. Thank you for letting me know. I will be praying for your sweet family as you navigate grief in the difficult days and weeks ahead.
Thank you!!1