I was in third grade before I knew that a human heart is not smooth and simple and symmetrical. A trip to the science museum proved it. Wondrous and vital as the human heart is, it’s also scary-looking, lopsided, and a bit complicated.
Love first masquerades as a soft romance, too. But when we see it from the far side of life, light is cast on a different angle: a bit messy, unpredictable, even harsh.
Love first masquerades as a soft romance, too. But when we see it from the far side of life, light is cast on a different angle: a bit messy, unpredictable, even harsh.Click To Tweet
NOT WHAT I THOUGHT
As we hoisted Dad from his wheelchair into bed for the night, surrounded by pain-relieving meds, an oxygen tank, and bars of dark chocolate for comfort, he said, “That’s the first time I’ve cried in 50 years.”
My momma would not be sleeping beside him that night. Earlier that Father’s Day evening, she had nearly died in a choking accident. She was in the local hospital recovering from what had been a harrowing experience for all of us. But no one was more traumatized than my daddy, watching his wife struggling to breathe, getting CPR, and being physically unable to help her.
Mom’s words just after she arrived in the ER by ambulance:
“I have to go home.”
Dad’s surprisingly sentimental words from his home hospice bed that same night:
“She’s the only girl I ever loved.”
I smiled, figuring life’s fragility and cancer’s suffering had mellowed him. He had always seemed to me a man of few emotions, because they didn’t always look like I expected. For years in my wallet I carried a note Daddy handed me just before walking me down the aisle:
“You will always be my baby girl. I should have said this many times before, but I always figured I didn’t need to – But just in case, I Love You. Dad”
I’ve felt it every day but I treasure these rich, rare words.
Growing up, I had always hoped my parents would show their affection more like Michael and Carol Brady of the Brady Bunch or Charles and Caroline Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie. But I’m learning that might not actually be what love looks like.
It took me half a lifetime to see it clearly:
My parents’ love, like God’s, was something much bigger.
SOMETHING BIGGER
As my feisty momma pushed to be released, she walked the entire length of the hospital hallway her first time out of bed to prove she was strong enough to go home. Although outwardly, she was indicating Dad wasn’t that critical, inside she knew she had to get back to him. With Dad on hospice care, four days apart was a big deal.
After she made it home, Mom talked tough to Daddy, trying to prod him to hang on, and shelter her own heart from the impending loss. I instantly reverted back to my six-year-old self, witnessing their familiar banter. A 98-pound drill sergeant, urging him to use his muscles, Mom also fed him every bit of shrimp from her own Chinese takeout.
As I suppose most children do, all my life I underestimated my parents’ relationship because I had one idea of what love looks like. Because they didn’t verbalize it in front of other people or because they didn’t lavish each other with expensive gifts or exotic trips.
Here’s what they’ve shown me love really looks like:
Gumption to honor the covenant when your path takes a detour.
Grit when you don’t like each other and life keeps slapping you in the face.
Grace through the letting go of dreams and grudges, children and parents.
God’s word has a special term for that.
Hesed (or khesed) may be the richest word in the Hebrew scriptures. One of the most common descriptors of God Himself, it is found nearly 250 times in the Old Testament.
… the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, and abounding in loyal love and faithfulness…
Exodus 34:6
Hesed is the Hebrew word translated here as “loyal love.”
But the fullness of hesed cannot be adequately translated into any other language’s single word or phrase.
It’s a special kind of loyalty – active promise-keeping loyalty, demonstrated by deep personal care.
My parents had likely never heard of hesed, but they lived it daily.
Hesed is my momma carefully preparing Daddy’s favorite meals, even when he could barely eat during his years of chemo treatments.
Hesed is my dad printing emails and articles in large font for Mom every week since she never learned to use the internet and macular degeneration compromised her sight.
It is Ruth gleaning in unfamiliar fields to feed her widowed mother-in-law.
It is David showing loyalty to Jonathan’s dangerous family.
It is God providing manna in the desert and, ultimately, Jesus on a cross.
All within a long-lasting covenant relationship.
It is commitment, choice, desire, and action…all rolled into one.
LIVING HESED’S LOYAL LOVE
As impressive as it is, hesed is often not pretty at all.
This special brand of loyal love requires constantly getting our hands dirty – helping aging parents, changing new babies, directing stubborn teens, following the way of the cross. Hesed will one day compel us to do what we never expected to do when we first drew parameters around the idea of smooth, simple love.
Hesed will one day compel us to do what we never expected to do when we first drew parameters around the idea of smooth, simple love.Click To Tweet
Like helping your cancer-stricken dad onto the bedside commode for the 15th time in the same night.
Like listening to his mumbled story with full attention and wonder for the fifth time in the same day.
Like falling asleep holding his hand while his wife is in the hospital and he says, “You can’t leave me alone.”
But mostly, hesed looks like your husband doing all of that for your father going on 48 hours with no sleep because your own health won’t allow you to keep doing it yourself. For this rare son-in-law, Dad’s passing was like losing a father twice.
The only way to show loyal love is in this continuing stream of everyday commitment. Hesed is a never-going-to-leave-you kind of love. Like God showed from Eden to Calvary. Like my parents did for over six decades, even when I didn’t always see it.
While other love words in the bible focus on feeling, hesed gets its meaning from action.
Mom’s favorite quote came from Mother Teresa:
“Do small things with great love.”
The key to loyal love is small things, constant things, vital things. My parents both knew about those. And their lives knit a safety net for me.
“The totality of your behavior will set a template of what love is that your children will carry with them into adulthood.” – Neil Strauss
In many ways, my parents’ example of hesed has helped me hold onto my faith through the harsh journey of heart failure.
Most of us have seen our lives not track the way we’d hoped and planned. (I saw my parents’ lives take some unwanted turns.) Detours can make us into doubters. When this happened to me, I started to question if this God I had known and trusted all my life had ever really loved me at all. If I’m being honest, I questioned God’s loyalty. But something deep inside me helped it make sense.
From my journal:
If I embrace God’s long-term character, through the good and bad isolated events in my life, I can see Him more clearly. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe God’s love doesn’t mean cleanly wiping this disease away. Maybe it means trusting Him in small things, even when He doesn’t move big mountains. Maybe it means Him loyally holding my disappointment and walking into an unplanned, even dim, future with me.
We often blame God for what happens on His watch. Is THIS what love looks like? If it is, I may have to pass. Maybe I’ve been guilty of holding both my parents and my God to the wrong standard. To the smooth, symmetrical, cookie-cutter kind of love instead of what love really looks like. Maybe all my life I’ve underestimated the impact of small, consistent, messy acts of loyal love. Maybe all my life I’ve overlooked hesed.
As the funeral home director wheeled Daddy’s body from the house, Mom leaned over, removed his glasses, smoothed his signature unruly hair, kissed him, and whispered, “I’ll always love you.”
And I finally understood what she meant.
Lori, this is absolutely beautiful and such an important reminder.
Thank you, Ashley. Great to hear from you!
I needed to hear this reminder today. I’ve had my dad on my mind a lot lately even though he has been gone 20 years this October. The reminder of a different generation and their expressions of love, although small but powerful help sustain our generation and let’s us know it’s alright to show that love boldly. Thanks for you sharing your heart no matter how fragile it is, your words are impactful and meaningful to so many. Much love my dear friend!!
Gary, your comments always make my day a bit brighter. I love your point about our parents’ toughness letting us know it’s alright to show love boldly. Such truth. I’m guilty of overlooking the heritage because it doesn’t look just like my life…instead of seeing it as a stepping stone. Thank you, friend.
Beautiful!
That means so much to me. Blessings!
Lori,
I can hardly type through the tears. I could see them so clearly as you described their love. Miss them so much.
As hard as it is for you, they got to be together again so soon. I never thought of love in this way but it is so true, it is not always smooth and can be expressed in so many ways.
Love,
Loretta
Oh Loretta, you knew them so well. Thank you for being such a special part of their lives. Having someone to share memories with is a special gift. Love you, my friend!
Love you too, friend!
The Lord has given you a gift-thank you for sharing it with us. Your ability to capture such raw emotions and events so eloquently takes my breath away. Your words move me to years and challenge me to think deeper and differently. Thank you!
Thank you for these words, Robin. Readers like you make all the time and effort worth it. Thank you for using your gifts, too. I have been a recipient of your gift of encouragement many times. And I know I’m not alone.
Lori…….This is beautiful & so needed especially in our world today!!! Too many times we focus on the bright lights & the beautiful moments in our lives instead of really “being there in the moment”!!! So rushed to take care of our families!!! So tired at the end of the day!!! You are wise beyond your years Lori!!! I can see this Love as it flowed through my life also!!! I am so grateful to have had my parents & Ron’s parents & especially my children & my wonderful husband!!! He takes such good care of me!!! Stay in the moment in your life to have those memories to cherish later on!!! I think of you often & pray for you & Dell & your family!!! We Love You!!!♥️💚💜
Oh Diana, so wonderful to hear from you. I think about you often, too. We are both blessed with wonderful husbands and families to journey through this uncertain life. I love your thoughts about “being in the moment.” As a planner, this is something I’ve always struggled with, always with my eye on what’s coming next. Sometimes life circumstances force us to see things a bit more clearly. Thank you for the reminder.
Dear Lori,
I am tearing up so much I can hardly type.
Your words and thoughts resonate soundly with my parent’s love for each other and for my brother and I.
61.5 years of their loyal love influenced our lives every day, as did your parent’s relationship. I can only pray that even tho I’ve only been married less than 36 months, I can bestow upon my husband that same caring and loyalty!
Blessings to you and the family!!
Ann, your affirmation is like gold to me. I have trusted your heart for years and I am so honored that you found meaning in mine. Sounds like we both have an obligation to continue our legacies. May God bless your marriage and your life.
Lori, as always, your words are beautiful. Watching Scott’s parents, married 60+ years before she went home last spring, love isn’t always “pretty,” but theirs was rich. Love your perspective and words, friend. God is using you mightily.
It seems our parents’ generation paved the way for something even deeper for us, if we choose to show loyal love like they did. I know you are grateful, as I am. I’m sure our children will take our strengths and make strides, as well. Thank you for your kind words and faithful reading. I treasure your support.
You bring tears or my eyes with your beautiful words describing life and endless love. I grew up in a home watching my parents every day and how they cared for each other. But I never saw them hold hands, never saw my dad put his arm around mom, never heard the words “I love you” exchanged between them, or saw a kiss! I never heard those 3 little words said between them, to me nor to my sister. Yet love was there. And we were at church every time the doors were open. I learned so much from my parents faithfulness. My dad died when I was 17, my sis had turned 20 the day before he died. I can not say I had a happy childhood, yet I was taught to love God and serve Him. I was 30 when I married Jasper and I had learned a lot from others how to love, and a lot about life. Our son saw PDA, heard those 3 little words said to each other and to him. I believe he had a better childhood than I had, and his 4 kids certainly have. I thank God for that, for Jasper, for almost 43 years in Bentonville and now retirement in Tyler, living 2 miles from Don and family and having a wonderful church family now. Lots of love and appreciation expressed. I so enjoy your words so well put together, so encouraging to so many. You are in our daily prayers.
Gay, it is such a rare and beautiful trait to be able to look at life and find love woven throughout. Your words have blessed me so. I firmly believe we take the best we have been given and pass it along, and the next generation will do the same. In that way, we are all striving to become more like Christ. Thank you for sharing this. It has made my day brighter and my writing easier. Love to you and Jasper.
So well written and so true about love. I love the Old Testament reference. My journey through it with Father Mike is so good!
I agree. The Old Testament is so rich in its description of God’s character. Sometimes we miss some nuggets in the middle of all the storylines, I think! Love hearing from you. Take care.
Hey Lori,
I somehow missed this blog post and just now read it. This is one of your best writings, and truly an inspired reflection on real love. Your writings have helped me to heal from Mom and Dad’s deaths, and helped me to make sense of their lives. Your words have given me and many others very meaningful insights about mature faith and the real God. I know you didn’t choose this journey, but you’ve certainly allowed God to work through you in such a powerful, amazing way. Thank you for your openness, and praise God for His goodness!
Brad, your reaction is priceless to me. Thank you for sharing it. The Spirit is working when my mere thoughts and words can help someone else. That is the best part of writing for me. I am so thankful to know this is happening in the background of my work. Blessings to you and your family!
Lori,
You we’re already a hero of faith to me before your diagnosis and before reading your blog. And, now having had the chance to read the inner workings of your heart and mind, I appreciate you all the more. I lost my dad 14 years ago – I was 6 weeks shy of 30. From your description, I think your dad and mine may have been cut from the same cloth. He was not an emotional man but he exemplified Hesed. This is a word I didn’t know, and I’m so thankful to have learned it here and I’m so thankful to have had an opportunity to remember my dad through the memories of your parents.
Your blog is a beautiful gift. Thank you for sharing.
Jamie, your sentiments are a gift to me. So often, my words go out into the world and I never know if they had the intended impact. The Spirit had put this on my heart months ago. It felt unfinished, so I set it aside, and now I know why. You and your family have always shown brightly with your faith, your compassion, and your relentless service. Sometime, I would love to hear more about your dad. Blessings, my friend.
Wow, this brought me to tears. SO beautiful. It’s the little things that add up to loyal love. Again I just want to say that I’m very sorry for your loss of your parents.
Thank you, Katie. I miss them both every day. So good to hear from you. Blessings!