Held by Grace
By Teresa Whiting
THE DARK SPIRAL
I awoke and saw the red lights of my clock taunting me in the dark: 2:25 a.m. After a beautiful Mother’s Day with my family, I had gone to bed and fallen asleep contentedly. But when I woke, my thoughts were anything but peaceful. Like a dark cloud, they overshadowed all the joy and laughter as I began replaying all the mistakes I had made as a mother—not just from that day, but over the past 21 years. I felt like a failure. My thoughts spiraled into the black hole of self-condemnation, and I wept inconsolably, tears soaking the sheets.
I tried to edge away from G so as not to wake him with my heaving sobs. It was pointless. He awoke and gently tried to comfort me. Stroking my sweaty hair, he whispered, “His grace is enough for you. Give this to Him, babe. You’re imperfect, and so am I. We’ll never be perfect.”
“I’m trying.” I tried to compose myself, but the thoughts kept coming, and with greater force.
“You wasted so much time! You squandered this past year! What were you even doing? Why didn’t you invest more in the kids? You were on your phone so much that they couldn’t even get eye contact with you. ‘You can’t talk to Mom while she has her phone,’ they said. Remember when they were younger? You made such a big deal of the stupidest things! You were too hard on them! You were such a fool!”
Crushing thoughts hurled themselves at me like waves. And all the while, an image kept flashing through my mind—the horrific scourge scene from The Passion of the Christ. I saw Jesus, struggling to stand, yet knocked to the ground again and again by blow after bloody blow.
As I struggled, it felt as though that were me—collapsing beneath Satan’s accusations, unable to remain upright. Every time I reached for truth, more taunting condemnation beat me down. Eventually, I fell into a fitful sleep.
MORNING LIGHT
But with the sun, there arose in me a new clarity that I have clung to for years. I realized that flashing image of Christ being knocked down repeatedly wasn’t me at all. It was Him!
Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.
Isaiah 53
Yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.
But He was wounded for our transgressions;
He was crushed for our iniquities;
…upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
…and by His wounds we are healed.
The Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.
All of my shortcomings, mistakes, and failures (as a mom and otherwise), all the sins Satan throws in my face were borne by Jesus. He took them upon Himself. Every last one of them.
I have not been a perfect mom. I have sinned against my children. Those wounds should have been mine. But Jesus took them so I wouldn’t have to. He was the perfect sacrifice for all my imperfections.
Every time I condemn myself, I spurn the grace of God. I declare Christ’s torture and death insufficient payment for my sin. And that is a lie from the pit of hell.
BUT GRACE
The truth is, His grace is sufficient for me. Though I continue to struggle with selfishness and anger, though I often lack love, patience, and kindness, His grace still covers me, washes me, overflows for me.
He chose me, knowing I would fail Him. He bore my brokenness to make me whole. I’m being made into the image of Christ by His grace and through His power. Yes, I stumble. I slip. I fall. But His grace catches me, lifts me, and gives me courage for tomorrow.
He chose me, knowing I would fail Him.
He bore my brokenness to make me whole.
Now, when I wake in the middle of the night and those accusing thoughts crash in, I remind myself of the cross. There, I see my Savior in my place, bearing my guilt and shame. Through tears, I praise Him for His, sustaining grace—a grace that covers my sins and reminds me that, even as I love imperfectly, He loves me perfectly.
I have hope because of grace. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just His perfectly sufficient grace.
About Teresa
Teresa Whiting is an author, national speaker, and host of the Find Hope Here podcast, passionate about helping women encounter the redemptive work of Jesus in the midst of their brokenness. With over 30 years of ministry experience and training in trauma-informed life coaching, Teresa speaks from both Scripture and her own story as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Her Bible study, DisGraced: How God Redeems and Restores the Broken, reflects the restoration she’s found through Jesus and the stories of women like Tamar, Rahab, and the Samaritan woman. Teresa and her husband, Greg, live in sunny Florida, where you’ll often find her walking the beach or spending time with her family—untethered from technology.
FREE RESOURCES:
Sample of DisGraced: Receive the introduction and chapter one of DisGraced for FREE.
Shame to Shining Guide: Break free from the lies that trap you in shame and step into the freedom Jesus has in store for you.